George Bailey Moments

Couldn't post after hearing about Tim Russert's sudden death on Friday though I thought very highly of him. And then hearing the news on Saturday that he collapsed and they couldn't revive him was harder still. I can still hear the machine they used on Kevin saying in an awful monotone - no pulse detected, no pulse detected - over and over again. I was kneeling in the hallway - maybe praying but if I remember right, I just couldn't stand up. So as you can imagine, the news brought home too many memories of Kevin's heart attack. And I walked around with it all weekend.

But tonight I talked to a friend who said her first thoughts were of me as soon as she heard the circumstances of Russert's death. And that she hoped the circumstances would finally convince me that even under the best of circumstances - even with immediate attention and the best care available - there's nothing you can do with a massive heart attack.

I don't talk about it much but I've had nagging questions since Kevin died: what could I have done differently? How could I have helped him more? What signs did I miss? and probably most important, how could he have given up and let Death win? Childish in a way I guess, but if I'm angry at him at all, it's for not beating it and staying with me. But I know how hard he fought at the end - and it's time I let both of us off the hook. And while I know it to be right, I'm not 100 percent sure I truly feel it - but for the first time, I have no doubt I'll get there. Thanks LH.